Are you a planner? I am.. and when things don’t go as planned, sometimes my world comes crashing in on me. I have learned over the years that no matter how much we try and plan, chances are someone else has another plan…a better plan.
The last few years have not went according to plan, and I don’t talk about it much… but I am going to open up about a few things (this might help you understand me, or even get to know me- then again maybe it won’t – and maybe you’ll think I am crazy)– either way, this is me.
I have been thru three miscarriages, and each of them were very painful for me to deal with. I spent many years wondering if I would even have the opportunity to have a child of my own. It’s really hard as a woman going thru something like this, not only do you experience a loss that many don’t seem to understand- but you experience many feelings of inadequacy. I spent many years working thru many emotions, and learning to love myself again… and cope.
My husband and I decided to have one child, as he has two older children- and it just made sense to try and have one- besides, I had a little talk with God and said “lord, I ask for just ONE healthy baby, that’s all I want and all I need”. It took awhile, but we finally became pregnant with Brady. Talk about a long 9 months, and I thank my husband for handling it like a champ- I was a complete mess the entire time, and as much as I tried to enjoy the pregnancy- the entire time- I was terrified.
Brady came along, all 9lbs 2oz of him- and wow- my world completely changed. I have never experienced anything like that before, and when they say – there is no love like that of the love for your child- they are right! Fast forward about four weeks after having Brady, and he started to become sick. Brady would projectile vomit each time we fed him, and I was trying to breast feed at that time- which was also not going smoothly at all. We did not sleep for what seems like forever, I was honestly scared to sleep. Brady would fall asleep, and he would end up vomiting in his sleep – which as a first time parent, is terrifying.
Needless to say, we took Brady to the Emergency Room – and that is where it was determined that he had “Pyloric Stenosis”- I won’t go into a lot of detail, but it is a rare disease that is prominent in first born males (not sure why)- but ultimately it causes a blockage to their large intestine – nothing can go down, and in turn they projectile vomit. This will not just go away on its own, and requires surgery- which Brady did have.
Thank god Brady is totally fine now, and healthy. Things did indeed get better for us, the transition as a new parent got easier, and it got better. Nobody can prepare you for motherhood, especially motherhood + having a sick kid.
Here we are today… we’ve been keeping a little secret, and it’s taken a lot of adjustment for me. As some of you know, I was set to start Nursing school this Fall… well, a few days before that- I found out that I am pregnant. Wait, what- that wasn’t in the plan….lol yeah, that’s what I said. I was completely shocked, terrified, and as much as I hate to admit it – I was not so excited. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE children- but when you are a planner like me- this one is a lot to take in. Some of you may think, wow what she is such an ungrateful woman- there are so many women out there who can’t have kids and would give anything… Yep, I know- because I was one of those women! I would have slapped someone like myself during this time. It’s taken me weeks to adjust to the idea, and feel comfortable with this. I feel guilty for ever feeling negative about the entire thing, but you see- nobody tells you about the not so glorious parts of parenting- and I knew those parts this time around, and quite honestly it terrified me. I also decided to give up my dream of becoming a Nurse- which was also another hard pill to swallow. You see, being a mother is the most AMAZING thing, and it is #1- but as a woman, I wanted to be successful too- and in my mind- I had to become a Nurse to be successful.
Turns out, my success right now is going to be my family- and that is ok. My heart is so full, and I feel silly for ever feeling negative about this pregnancy. But, you remember when I said earlier in this post how I had a talk with God…I asked him for just one healthy child? For a woman like me who has been thru many losses, I didn’t want to “press my luck”- I got one very healthy boy, and I thought that was all I needed or deserved to be honest. God had other plans, GREAT plans- which took me a few weeks to grasp, and take in- but here I am with a smile on my face, and beyond grateful.
SOOO…here we are…Baby Harrison is coming in April! It’s funny, God has a way with timing, and a way with “plans”. He knows when we need something, and in this case he knew our hearts needed this special little baby- and I am so happy that my son will have someone to grow up with, and become best buddies with. Our hearts are full, and we are blessed…and day by day– I am becoming less and less terrified– and sooo excited to meet my baby!! I guess the moral of my story is, we are human- we are allowed to have feelings that some might not understand, and oh yeah- guess what…most of the time– nothing goes as planned– try to embrace it, and ROCK IT- Motherhood is one heck a of a journey, but man its AMAZING.
As always, I linked everything that is linkable- if your in the market for Christmas toys or some jammies- there are some great deals going on right now!
– Blonde Boy Mama
